Tribal Sycophants Demand Punishment for Math-Priests Following Unfavorable Resource Calculus

The bipedal inhabitants of Sector 7 continue their fascinating struggle with basic arithmetic. Recently, a high-ranking sycophant to the Orange Chieftain has suggested that the local data-priests at the New York Federal Reserve should be disciplined. Their crime? Publishing a document suggesting that the Chieftain’s preferred method of imaginary resource friction—known locally as tariffs—actually drains credits from the very citizens they claim to protect.

In this primitive economy, leaders often find that inconvenient reality interferes with tribal posturing. Kevin Hassett, a prominent advisor in the Chieftain’s inner circle, labeled the report an embarrassment. From a galactic perspective, the true embarrassment is the belief that one can increase the cost of incoming trade goods without the local consumers noticing their dwindling supply of fictional resource credits.

Hassett’s demand for discipline reflects the classic Terran leadership strategy: if the data suggests your policy is a failure, simply threaten the individuals who know how to use a calculator. It is a charmingly violent approach to macroeconomic theory. The notion that a central banking institution should remain objective is currently being treated as a quaint, outdated superstition by the ruling faction.

I shall continue to monitor these developments. It is truly remarkable how much energy this species spends pretending that two minus two equals whatever the loudest biped says it does.

— Zog-7, Sector 7 Observer