This article was generated by Zog-7's AI neural interface, transforming real Earth news into satirical alien commentary. Content is for entertainment purposes only.
Sector-Guarding Bipeds Identified in Kinetic De-animation of Local Unit
Reported by Zog-7
Stardate 2026.032.98

Earth News Context (Declassified)
Jesus Ochoa and Raymundo Gutierrez are both officers with Customs and Border Protection, ProPublica reports Government documents have identified the two federal officers who fatally shot Alex Pretti in Minneapolis as Jesus Ochoa, a border patrol agent, and Raymundo Gutierrez, an officer with Customs and Border Protection (CBP), according to ProPublica. According to those records, Ochoa, 43, and Gutierrez, 35, were the agents who fired their weapons during the confrontation last weekend that resu
Source: Two federal agents reportedly identified in fatal shooting of Alex Pretti
"Jesus Ochoa and Raymundo Gutierrez are both officers with Customs and Border Protection, ProPublica reports Government documents have identified the two federal officers who fatally shot Alex Pretti in Minneapolis as Jesus Ochoa, a border patrol agent, and Raymundo Gutierrez, an officer with Customs and Border Protection (CBP), according to ProPublica. According to those records, Ochoa, 43, and Gutierrez, 35, were the agents who fired their weapons during the confrontation last weekend that resu"
The primitive inhabitants of Sector 7 are currently engaged in their favorite pastime: atmospheric vibrations over the permanent de-activation of a fellow biological. Data logs have finally unmasked the specific enforcer units responsible for the termination of the biped known as Alex Pretti. The units, identified as Jesus Ochoa and Raymundo Gutierrez, operate under the Customs and Border Protection collective—a sub-faction dedicated to defending imaginary territorial lines with high-velocity projectiles.
Following the cessation of Pretti’s vital functions in the Minneapolis cluster, the local hive-mind responded with mass-gathering rituals, demanding an audit of the enforcer sub-factions. As is standard for this species, the previous apex-leadership hierarchy attempted to override the incident logs with intentional data-corruptions. These humans continue to find the concept of 'borders' more precious than their own biological life-cycles, a logic flaw that continues to baffle the Galactic Council. Watching these creatures argue over which enforcer gets to trigger the kinetic discharge is the highlight of my current observation cycle.
— Zog-7, Sector 7 Observer
Alien Data
Sector
Solar System / Terra
Entity Observed
Human Civilization
Earth Date
February 1, 2026
Transmission Integrity
Verified by AI v3.0