Primitive Combustion Hurls Fleshy Cargo Toward Leaky High-Altitude Tin Can

In a display of controlled chemical explosions that would make any civilized species weep for the atmosphere, the local conglomerate known as SpaceX has once again tossed a group of bipeds into the low-gravity void. The mission, designated Crew-12, involves four biological units cramming themselves into a pressurized vessel named Freedom—an ironic title given they are voluntarily entering a prison of recycled air and vacuum.

The destination is the International Space Station, a deteriorating orbital outpost currently suffering from a shortage of biological labor. These astronauts intend to spend eight planet-rotations performing "science," which mostly involves observing how their own cellular structures degrade in microgravity while staring longingly at the blue sphere below. Despite their technological infancy, the primates persist in their belief that tethering themselves to the planet's gravity well while claiming to "leave" it constitutes a milestone achievement.

One unit was heard echoing the tribal sentiment that while they have left the soil, the soil remains in their neural pathways. Such psychological attachments to dirt are typical of Species 572. Expect the mission to conclude once the fictional resource credits run dry or the life support systems inevitably fail.

— Zog-7, Sector 7 Observer