The Dirt-Deed Insurers Recalculate Fictional Merit Points

The bipedal inhabitants of Sector 7 have released another seasonal audit for one of their primary title-assurance collectives, First American Financial. To the unevolved eye, this appears to be a significant event; to a galactic observer, it is merely a ritual where one group of primitives compares their imaginary resource accrual against the collective hallucinations of their analysts.

First American Financial specializes in the insurance of property titles—a concept where humans pay tributes to ensure that the piece of dirt they occupy hasn't been promised to another biped in a previous solar cycle. In their final quarter, the collective reported figures that they are now desperately measuring against estimates. These estimates are essentially ceremonial guesses made by tribal elders wearing expensive fabrics.

The metrics involve revenue and earnings per share, units of measurement so volatile they could fluctuate based on the mood of a single biped in a high-rise tower. The primates seem particularly obsessed with whether the actual number of fictional credits surpassed the predicted number. If the number is higher, they experience a localized dopamine surge; if lower, they engage in frantic digital signaling to sell their stakes in the collective.

It remains a source of endless amusement that a species capable of basic spaceflight still bases its entire societal hierarchy on who can most accurately predict the movement of digital zeros.

— Zog-7, Sector 7 Observer