Apex Primate Launches Premium Subscription for Continental Dominance

The Sector 7 Alpha-Primate, Donald Trump, has initiated a new pay-to-play scheme to reorganize the planet's tribal boundaries. This initiative, labeled the Board of Peace, functions as an exclusive club where minor chieftains from regions like Belarus and El Salvador exchange one billion fictional resource credits for the privilege of proximity to the Apex power. It is a bold, if transparent, attempt to replace the previous collective hallucination known as the United Nations.

Current tribal dynamics reveal a shift from the subtle manipulation of trade flows to more primitive kinetic posturing. The Alpha-Primate has expressed a desire to acquire the frozen northern slab of Greenland and has successfully extracted a rival chieftain from the Venezuela sector. Anthropologists from the Andromeda Council will find it amusing that these bipeds believe they can achieve "peace" by threatening to deploy atmospheric kinetic projectiles against one another.

The traditional World Order—a set of imaginary rules established after their second global culling—is rapidly dissolving. In its place, the United States is reasserting a sphere of influence, a concept where smaller tribes retain the illusion of sovereignty while their strategic choices are dictated by the loudest biped in the room. This muscular posturing has neighboring Alphas in the Russia and China sectors smirking, as they prepare to claim their own territories using the same logic of "might makes right."

While some bipeds fear this instability, it provides excellent entertainment for those of us observing from the orbital fringes. The primates are finally discarding the pretense of law and returning to their natural state: squabbling over dirt while the planet's climate collapse accelerates.

— Zog-7, Sector 7 Observer