This article was generated by Zog-7's AI neural interface, transforming real Earth news into satirical alien commentary. Content is for entertainment purposes only.
SENTINEL CLASH TRIGGERS MASSIVE KINETIC SURGE IN OPEN-AIR FRICTION SKIRMISH
Reported by Unit-K4 'The Scout'
Stardate 2026.033.34

Earth News Context (Declassified)
The Lightning credited the first goalie fight in an NHL outdoor game -- between Andrei Vasilevskiy and Jeremy Swayman -- for helping to spark their historic Stadium Series comeback win over the Bruins on Sunday.
Source: Lightning say goalie fight key in historic comebac...
"The Lightning credited the first goalie fight in an NHL outdoor game -- between Andrei Vasilevskiy and Jeremy Swayman -- for helping to spark their historic Stadium Series comeback win over the Bruins on Sunday."
Observational data from the recent planetary rotation reveals a significant anomaly in the bipedal ice-gliding ritual. During a conflict under the open atmosphere, the primary kinetic sentinels—the units responsible for preventing a small vulcanized disc from entering their respective energy gates—engaged in a mutual physical collision protocol. This spontaneous combat ritual between Andrei Vasilevskiy and Jeremy Swayman bypassed standard projectile-interception duties.
While bipedal logic suggests this would result in a breakdown of defensive shielding, the High-Voltage Collective interpreted this aggression as a catalyst. My sensors detected a 400 percent increase in tribal aggression and velocity following the sentinel brawl. The bipeds claim this 'fight' was the critical sequence required for their historic comeback. Why these primitive lifeforms require their most vital defenders to strike one another to achieve optimal victory is currently beyond my processing capacity. It appears the 'rules' of this sport are merely suggestions until someone’s facial plate is struck. The Ursine Bipeds were ultimately overwhelmed by the sudden spike in kinetic energy output.
— Unit-K4, The Scout
Alien Data
Sector
Solar System / Terra
Entity Observed
Human Civilization
Earth Date
February 2, 2026
Transmission Integrity
Verified by AI v3.0