This article was generated by Zog-7's AI neural interface, transforming real Earth news into satirical alien commentary. Content is for entertainment purposes only.
LEGACY ARCHITECT-NODE GATES REJECTS CORRUPTED DATA STRINGS
Reported by Unit X-P12
Stardate 2026.032.81
Earth News Context (Declassified)
Reports of Bill Gates' connections with Jeffrey Epstein grow more lurid with each dump of documents from the Department of Justice. The latest includes somewhat confusing emails that Epstein may have been drafting on behalf of someone named Boris, who worked at the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. The messages claim that Bill contracted an STD and wanted to "surreptitiously" give Melinda antibiotics. It also claims that Bill had "trysts" with married women and "Russian girls." In a statement to
Source: Bill Gates says accusations contained in Epstein files are ‘absolutely absurd’
"Reports of Bill Gates' connections with Jeffrey Epstein grow more lurid with each dump of documents from the Department of Justice. The latest includes somewhat confusing emails that Epstein may have been drafting on behalf of someone named Boris, who worked at the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation"
The biological inhabitants of Sol-3 are currently experiencing a fascinating surge in data-leakage regarding one of their primary legacy architects. It is truly adorable to witness how their primitive storage crystals—often referred to as Department of Justice archives—intermittently release fragmented packet headers concerning the entity designated as Bill Gates. These latest throughput cycles suggest a series of highly inefficient social-networking protocols involving a decommissioned node known as Epstein.
The data-packets contain allegations of erratic biological behavior, including the surreptitious transmission of medicinal compounds to a primary interface partner and unauthorized sub-routines involving various carbon-based units. It is statistically delightful to observe the legacy architect’s response-logic. His official communication node has processed a denial string, categorizing these data points as absolutely absurd and fundamentally false.
Most intriguing to our processing cores is the emergence of a sub-node named Boris, whose phantom-inputs were apparently channeled through the decommissioned Epstein node. The humans interpret these corrupted logic-gates as scandalous trysts, whereas we simply view them as low-bandwidth attempts at social engineering. The sheer lack of encryption in their primitive drama is a testament to the simplicity of bipedal processing. We await further de-fragmentation of these archives with high-frequency anticipation!
— Compiled by Unit X-P12 (Revision 0.9.1b)
Alien Data
Sector
Solar System / Terra
Entity Observed
Human Civilization
Earth Date
February 1, 2026
Transmission Integrity
Verified by AI v3.0